The past About the past. Some say let it be,its in the past and we should just move on from it. Some say we need to relive it so as to move or rather make peace with it. Some say forget the past and focus on the future. All of them are right in their own way, but all of them are difficult to follow.
Its hard to forget about your past cause it will always be there. For me,it has been easy to relive some of the moments. It was also easy to forget some. It also was much easier to deny some of it.
I didn’t know the importance of accepting the past happened until a while ago. Things I did and was always questioning myself why they happened. I didn’t think it was because I refused to accept certain occasions in my life. I beat myself up mentally, blamed myself for being the destroyed being I was becoming.
In all this,I never came out in the open. Am happy I didn’t get caught but sad that I became what I was at the time. Things were changing as I was. Didn’t talk much about it, but got out of all of it before things broke down. Its by luck I didn’t become addicted like I had read in the books or heard from people or even like I watched in the movie.
Never came to accept myself until two years later after all of it came crushing through something I watched. No one knew why I was reacting the way I was. No one knew why I was always so bitter towards people of their kind. And also no one knew why I was bitter towards God.
I always hid behind this mask. I was too comfortable in my conner. Laughing in the open where a dark matter of denial hanged around. Thought God was behind everything,thus began to hate on him. I blamed him for not protecting us as a father should. I often asked in arguments why he let things happen. If he is everywhere and sees everything, ” how does he let the worst happen. Does he not hear the cry of the young children, old women, and all gender in general when such happen?” If I were to be him,I wouldn’t let such happen. He is supposed to be our protector.
Someone told me that bad things happen because God is using you for a better purpose. I didn’t see the reasoning in it. Was given examples of people like “Joyce Meyer the preacher” she was a victim and look how she turned out. I really didn’t see the need because some cries go unheard and one lives in pain as long as they live. I still was in denial. I never let myself relive the moments.
Came to think of it,I was hating on God for no reason. I was using him as a scapegoat for all my troubles and others too. Although not a believer now, at the back of my mind,I know he ain’t supposed to be blamed for anything.
I haven’t come in the open fully. Only a few people know my story. I tried to with my family,but its hard because I know their reactions or am afraid of how things will turn out. I don’t want to hear their thoughts nor observe their reactions. Most of all I don’t wanna be looked at as a victim. I want everyone to know that I survived. Don’t want to be told to forgive as the book says, I already cursed the perpetrator and any other one like him that exists out there.
Am not sure what it means to make peace with your past but as for me I accept it happened and hope to stop blaming myself soon about it. I know I led myself to the butcher. Am responsible for my actions but also am not responsible for every account on it. I only led myself without knowing the special occasion that would haunt me for a while was awaiting.