Dear mama

Dear mama
Am sorry
Sorry for making a fool out of you back then
Sorry that I didn’t listen
Sorry that I never opened up to you
Sorry that I led myself behind your back
Sorry that I hurt you with my words
Sorry I lied
Sorry for any wrong I did knowingly and unknowingly

Dear mama
You worry too much
I want to be real with you
Am no longer that young girl you raised
Time flied and things have changed

Dear mama
Am no longer unknowing
The world changed me to be who I am
I have come to learn
There is more to this world
I explored it on my own
The consequences are there
Some good  and some bad

Dear mama
You doubt me too much
I won’t be lying to you anymore
Yes some of your doubts are true
Some are just out of line
They make me mad and sad
Maybe its because they hit close to home much

Dear mum
I don’t hate you because you are religious
I am not ashamed of who you are
I am okay with your ways
Just stop trying to drag me back
I had my reasons to leave
They are much stronger than the reasons
You give me to stay

Dear mama
I love you Something you should never doubt
We both have a different way of thinking
Just because I don’t agree with you
Doesn’t mean I see you any different
Just because I view things differently
It doesn’t mean I hate you
I might disagree
But at the end of the day, I love you

Dear mama
I can never replace you
Its not healthy to think that way
I am happy for who you are
Insecurities don’t suit you
You are among those rare types
You one of a kind mama
You may not know
But you raised right

©2021 Lepasha

Reflection

Reflection Hello….how are you doing?. I don’t even think my greetings are sincere.. Every time I look at you in the mirror, am filled with disgust,hatred,insecurities and cowardice. Not every time though,sometimes I see better things though. I see a person with a dream but its just not happening. Why so? Because you have this trait of doing everything wrongly. Like now,am looking at you and I can see you crawling back into your broken shell. Don’t you ever get tired?? Why are you so unfriendly? Why are you so quiet? Why are you so ugly on the inside? Why do you judge so much yet you ain’t nothing? Why are you so much of a coward? But then again,,, Why are you so kind? Why are you so nice? Do you like it when they use you over and over again? Do you enjoy it when they hurt you again and again? Do you enjoy being nice or are you afraid of being lonely?? Looking at you am so confused. I don’t know what to see. All of your sides are ugly. None of your sides amaze me. Why don’t you just have a stand on who you are. How did everything change? How did everything come up to these? This is not what I wanted for you! I expected that at this point everything will be smooth just like in the books. I expected a strong person. Who didn’t back down without a fight. A person who fought for themselves. A person who didn’t have to try so hard to be whom they wanted to be. Looking at you we ain’t the same. The person in the mirror ain’t me at all. Its some stranger I don’t know. Your present is so dark. Filled with dark shadows all round your body. Just break that shell completely. Start a fresh,maybe everything will turn out better. But don’t you always do that? “Start a fresh” but I can’t see the results unfortunately. They are disappointing. Am too tired for that crap. I can tell that so far it ain’t working. I hate it because whoever I see is the real you and the sooner I realise,everything is blurry and am all blind again. Don’t look at me like that, why don’t you face down so that I don’t have to see your broken face, I don’t wanna see your sadness. If you are sad,that breaks me too. I like to see you smile more often. Am sorry I didn’t mean to discourage you. Can you at least try? I know that I don’t have so much faith in you but at least try. I don’t know if you will make it but the next time I see your reflection I hope to see a different person. ©2021thesilentwriter

Reflection

Reflection Hello….how are you doing?. I don’t even think my greetings are sincere.. Every time I look at you in the mirror, am filled with disgust,hatred,insecurities and cowardice. Not every time though,sometimes I see better things though. I see a person with a dream but its just not happening. Why so? Because you have this trait of doing everything wrongly. Like now,am looking at you and I can see you crawling back into your broken shell. Don’t you ever get tired??

Why are you so unfriendly? Why are you so quiet? Why are you so ugly on the inside? Why do you judge so much yet you ain’t nothing? Why are you so much of a coward? But then again,,, Why are you so kind? Why are you so nice? Do you like it when they use you over and over again? Do you enjoy it when they hurt you again and again? Do you enjoy being nice or are you afraid of being lonely?? Looking at you am so confused. I don’t know what to see. All of your sides are ugly. None of your sides amaze me. Why don’t you just have a stand on who you are.

How did everything change? How did everything come up to these? This is not what I wanted for you! I expected that at this point everything will be smooth just like in the books. I expected a strong person. Who didn’t back down without a fight. A person who fought for themselves. A person who didn’t have to try so hard to be whom they wanted to be. Looking at you we ain’t the same. The person in the mirror ain’t me at all. Its some stranger I don’t know.

Your present is so dark. Filled with dark shadows all round your body. Just break that shell completely. Start a fresh,maybe everything will turn out better. But don’t you always do that? “Start a fresh” but I can’t see the results unfortunately. They are disappointing. Am too tired for that crap. I can tell that so far it ain’t working. I hate it because whoever I see is the real you and the sooner I realise,everything is blurry and am all blind again.

Don’t look at me like that, why don’t you face down so that I don’t have to see your broken face, I don’t wanna see your sadness. If you are sad,that breaks me too. I like to see you smile more often. Am sorry I didn’t mean to discourage you. Can you at least try? I know that I don’t have so much faith in you but at least try. I don’t know if you will make it but the next time I see your reflection I hope to see a different person.

By Lepasha ©2021

BROKEN

BROKEN

Am so tired of thinking of what happened between us. Its been tormenting me for a while now. Shouldn’t I have already let it go by now?? I wish I could reach out to you wherever you are but I know its impossible considering I don’t even know where you are.

Am too sad and probably depressed because of it. But you know you left a mark that cannot be erased, something I will never forget. All in all you taught me a lesson. A huge lesson indeed. Never trust people easily. Because of you, I brew more hatred in many people. Can’t even be genuine with anyone from where you come from. Its immature that I brewed all that hatred because of the event, but it made sense to me.

For you it might have been normal to rape someone. Maybe that’s how you sleep with all the girls you meet and its normal to you. But to me it was not that way. Didn’t you hear me say NO? Didn’t you hear me pleading with you not to? Or its that mentality that all of you have that when a lady says NO its a YES.

I know you scored an own goal with that. I remember how you said it, “Finally, nmeonja Mali ya msichana wa “mkubwa” (finally I’ve tasted the property of the leader) Not cool. I even think that I overreact of the situation and tell myself that it wasn’t rape but just sex with a guy I met few days ago. I know am lying to myself, I begged you to stop and left your house as a broken person.

Up to now I don’t know what hurt the most. Is it the fact that you trashed talked me after you just raped me to a mutual friend? Or the fact that you really raped me. Now am that victim who can never come out in the open because she is surrounded by judgemental including herself.

I hope you know what I always think of people like you. I have nothing but hatred. I wish I could have killed you when I had the chance. I always wish that one day I would come across one like you and I will show no mercy. I know am not that strong but I will pay back for each and every soul that went through the same. That is if only I ever get a chance. As much as I need forgiveness in my life right now,you are not in the list. I don’t think that am a weak victim, but at times I feel like so. Maybe I was the one who gave you the wrong idea about me, or maybe that’s who you are. Its not for me to feel sorry for myself but I can’t help it.

That evening as I left your place,I came out a different person. Prolly broken, hurt,ashamed or maybe stronger. But whom am I kidding am just that unspeakable person I know. I hate you more than I hate myself.

©thesilentwriter2021

The unseen freedom

By @the silent writer

The unseen freedom From a righteous womb she was born. Brought up in a religious background. With a mind of a true believer. View things in a cleansed way. So innocent in the land of the wild. Holding herself together avoiding contaminations.

With the reasoning of the righteous. She saw faults in others,questioned and judged. Although not on their faces,she swore She’ll never be like them. Excluded herself from evil doers. “Look the other way if you see them.” The words were always in her mind.

Deep down she was jealous of them. They had everything she didn’t. “Freedom” a word she didn’t come along more often. Plenty food,but hungry. Water flowed,but she was thirsty. They had it all. Maybe freedom is what she admired.

Time flied and she was of age. Its not that she had been brain washed. Started viewing things in different ways. Suddenly the urge to not be righteous was knocking. She was not in bondage but wanted freedom. Wanted to be like the others.

Started experiencing betrayal. The betrayer was highly upheld. She was demeaned. Tears came and dried. More of them came but eventually dried. Started to fully doubt religion and existence of the word. Rebellion was the only way to go. And so she did. Didn’t care of the way she did but at the end she was out. Not fully for she was still in the dark.

Without knowing. She was her own prison. Charged herself of different accounts of crime every time. Now she didn’t have to judge others but herself only. Experiences became lessons. Lessons that hurt. But in each prison she was out of,she never saw herself going back.

Everything comes at a price. She had to learn. Made mistakes. Paid for them. Finally had the freedom she wanted. Was not enough,still felt like she was locked. Built a prison of her own. One way or the other she had to be free. “Black bird, you ain’t gonna fly.” She knew. For every time. Something brought her back behind the bars.

©2021

The past

The past About the past. Some say let it be,its in the past and we should just move on from it. Some say we need to relive it so as to move or rather make peace with it. Some say forget the past and focus on the future. All of them are right in their own way, but all of them are difficult to follow.

Its hard to forget about your past cause it will always be there. For me,it has been easy to relive some of the moments. It was also easy to forget some. It also was much easier to deny some of it.

I didn’t know the importance of accepting the past happened until a while ago. Things I did and was always questioning myself why they happened. I didn’t think it was because I refused to accept certain occasions in my life. I beat myself up mentally, blamed myself for being the destroyed being I was becoming.

In all this,I never came out in the open. Am happy I didn’t get caught but sad that I became what I was at the time. Things were changing as I was. Didn’t talk much about it, but got out of all of it before things broke down. Its by luck I didn’t become addicted like I had read in the books or heard from people or even like I watched in the movie.

Never came to accept myself until two years later after all of it came crushing through something I watched. No one knew why I was reacting the way I was. No one knew why I was always so bitter towards people of their kind. And also no one knew why I was bitter towards God.

I always hid behind this mask. I was too comfortable in my conner. Laughing in the open where a dark matter of denial hanged around. Thought God was behind everything,thus began to hate on him. I blamed him for not protecting us as a father should. I often asked in arguments why he let things happen. If he is everywhere and sees everything, ” how does he let the worst happen. Does he not hear the cry of the young children, old women, and all gender in general when such happen?” If I were to be him,I wouldn’t let such happen. He is supposed to be our protector.

Someone told me that bad things happen because God is using you for a better purpose. I didn’t see the reasoning in it. Was given examples of people like “Joyce Meyer the preacher” she was a victim and look how she turned out. I really didn’t see the need because some cries go unheard and one lives in pain as long as they live. I still was in denial. I never let myself relive the moments.

Came to think of it,I was hating on God for no reason. I was using him as a scapegoat for all my troubles and others too. Although not a believer now, at the back of my mind,I know he ain’t supposed to be blamed for anything.

I haven’t come in the open fully. Only a few people know my story. I tried to with my family,but its hard because I know their reactions or am afraid of how things will turn out. I don’t want to hear their thoughts nor observe their reactions. Most of all I don’t wanna be looked at as a victim. I want everyone to know that I survived. Don’t want to be told to forgive as the book says, I already cursed the perpetrator and any other one like him that exists out there.

Am not sure what it means to make peace with your past but as for me I accept it happened and hope to stop blaming myself soon about it. I know I led myself to the butcher. Am responsible for my actions but also am not responsible for every account on it. I only led myself without knowing the special occasion that would haunt me for a while was awaiting.

©2021

Expectations

How comes its never enough? All my time I spent trying to please you. My body ached and my mind got tired of trying to come up with new ideas on how to make you happy.

Look on my appearance. I am dressed just how you like it. Don’t I look presentable as you want me to be. In your eyes I look beautiful. I am smiling just to make sure you don’t get disappointed. I am only dressed like this for you but deep down I know I want to look like a common young girl around. One who doesn’t look like she is overdressed nor underdressed. Its not like I want to walk naked, but at least be comfortable. I know I have grown up this way, but it was not my choice to be like this. It was yours, its not like am not happy,am just not comfortable and I want to live in a way that am comfortable.

I tried to do all the activities that pleaded you. Whenever you thought I was wrong,you told me that I look black. I’ll then go to our wardroom and cry praying to be forgiven and when I came out you told me,” now you look bright.” Really believed in that until now that I grew up and am no longer affected by the comments. Whenever you told me that God wants this, I did it until I came not to believe since I realized am suffering.

Maybe you’ll never know this but I don’t believe anymore. Am no longer that young girl who believed in the church or God. Am still not sure about the decision about believing. At times I feel like your place really helped me and question my decision of not being a believer. But at times I feel like as I grew up I felt like it was becoming a place of torment and torture for something I didn’t deserve. No one deserved that. One thing should always be clear, I don’t regret leaving the church,that was meant to happen.

I want to have a normal life. This two in one kind of life is really becoming a problem for me. I want to have it at least easier. Being hypocritical is becoming a burden. Faking smiles is becoming a problem. I just want to live. Being too nice to people who always break me is becoming a problem.

I want to be open with you. I want to be honest. I want to be able to tell you my honest opinion on how I see things and not tell you what you want hear or rather what I think you should hear. I want to be open about my experiences and not hide them because I feel like they wrong and shouldn’t be open. I want to see your free side of view, the one without judgements, one that wouldn’t make me feel like a failure.

I want to be able to make my decisions freely. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want you to correct me and guide me when am in the wrong just like you always do. I want to see you in a different way. I want to feel like I can trust you. I want to feel like you are always there for me no matter what. I want not to hide anymore.

I want you to learn to accept the real me. The real me who doesn’t have to hide nor lie just to make you happy. The real me who is supposed to be happy and not sad. Real me who is supposed to be open and not in a prison of her own mind. Real me who loves you and appreciates you for every role you’ve played in her life.

@ Beyond the silent writer ©2021